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I’m not a good therapy patient

I’m not a good therapy patient.

Lastly, I will say that she told me I should think about how I can be more comfortable in therapy. I pointedly asked her if I should take anti-anxiety meds before I come. How stupid and self protective was that??? She must think I’m completely nuts!


Adult ego state vs Child ego state

Today is the 6th day of a small illness. I keep hoping I am better and that it will go away. I feel a bit congested and a bit feeble and every so often dizzy. I am not good at being ill, since it was unacceptable in my family of origin. So, I carry on and do what I can regarding cooking etc, and don’t wrap up warm, lay around on the sofa and look poorly. This is probably to my detriment, but it’s what I learned to do as a child.

So, this morning I am sitting here indoors feeling cold. Mark has some stuff to do to the wood burner which means he can’t light it immediately. I feel bad asking for a fire when it is lovely weather outside, and I feel bad being needy (my Child ego state). After he’s sorted the fire out, lit it and carried in two large log loads, he’s understandably pretty warm. I feel bad, I have a fire and he’s too hot. So, his chores finished, he goes off to his Bunker and CLOSES THE DOOR! I feel rejected and bad. I’ve been too needy and now I am being punished.

My Adult ego state (thankfully) understands fully why he has closed the door, and I am able to reason with my Child and settle her feelings and tell her it’s because he is too hot and wants no heat going through to his room.

Of course, the reason my Child is around quite as much is because I feel fragile and unwell. I am not sure whether having insight into my emotions is always a useful thing, and wonder what I would have done if I’d not understood my gut reaction to his door being closed. I am very grateful for all the learning I did and all the therapy I had, it makes a fantastic difference to my life. However, there are also times when I wish I didn’t know what I know, didn’t understand what I understand and couldn’t see through people and their motivations so easily. I think sometimes I’d like a cigar to just be a bloody cigar. The hardest thing is when others say, of for goodness sake stop analysing, as if by some miracle I can turn that off. A bit like asking a photographer not to see photogenic images in all they see, or a writer to not see novels in much of what he/she experiences. A musician not hearing music in the sounds around him, and a chef not seeing ideas for amazing recipes when wandering through a food market. I can’t turn it off and believe me, there are times when I wish I could.

Thank you for your time.

Kathy then sane.

Musings from Outside the Asylum

Douglas Adams, in his book, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy describes an inside out house and it’s owner,  John “Wonko The Sane” Watson.

He lives in an inside-out house overlooking the Pacific Ocean. That is, to visit you park on the carpet. There’s a sign on the wall that reads, “Come Outside.” He considers the rest of the world to be “The Asylum,” because it seemed to him that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to need to include a set of detailed instructions for use in a package of toothpicks was no longer a civilization in which he could live and stay sane.

Wonko knows more about the dolphins than any other human being alive.

Mark, my husband is the reader in this house of the Hitchhiker books and insisted that once we had completed putting our boundaries in place and hanging our gate, he would be putting a sign on the inside of the gate  saying, “The Asylum”.  I have to say, I was unhappy for quite a while about this, as I couldn’t quite get my head around it, not being a Hitchhikers fan (books that is).

Eventually, I realised that he was determined to do this, and he spent months looking for and not finding, small brass letters.  He looked both here in France and over in the UK. Thankfully, on a day trip into Poitiers, he found some small, wooden letters and this felt slightly more subtle for me.

I hope this goes some way towards explaining the name of the blog.  We, according to Douglas Adams, Mark and Wonko the Sane, live outside the asylum….it is apparently,  a nice place to be.

I don’t know what will be written here….but I felt I wanted to do something, to blog something aside from using Facebook and the limited blog I am doing with Dad’s letters home from his prison of war camp in WW2.  That blog will end of course, and I think I may feel bereft.  It got me to thinking I might quite enjoy my own blog, after years of avoiding other people’s (for which I now humbly apologise).  I think I got caught up in Facebook, Scrabble, a slow internet connection and lots of other distractions.  I feel that life has settled more now, and we have a faster internet connection, a whole 2.6mgs (yes, I can hear all those sharp intakes of breath, it is very, very fast, NOT).

I search for and found my old MySpace musings today.  This is now called a blog, I am sure it wasn’t back when I started in 2007.  Anyhow…to aid continuity, I shall link somewhere to that (once I can work out how) and to Dad’s blog. Life has been interesting, in the Chinese sense, and yet I feel we’re approaching a much calmer period.  We won’t be holding our breath though, so I suggest you don’t either.

Off now to work out how this works, add some links and maybe a photo or two.

KathytheSane (I have had many years of therapy, so feel I can call myself this, tongue in cheek).  It reminds me, back in 1997, I was travelling home from a therapy weekend, my mother had picked me up in her car.  Her question to me, “Kathy, when will you be cured?”……(I am so used to adding smileys on forums, I am wondering how to show my feelings about this question.)  Anyhow, that was then, this is now and I do believe I am reasonably sane.