Today is the 6th day of a small illness. I keep hoping I am better and that it will go away. I feel a bit congested and a bit feeble and every so often dizzy. I am not good at being ill, since it was unacceptable in my family of origin. So, I carry on and do what I can regarding cooking etc, and don’t wrap up warm, lay around on the sofa and look poorly. This is probably to my detriment, but it’s what I learned to do as a child.
So, this morning I am sitting here indoors feeling cold. Mark has some stuff to do to the wood burner which means he can’t light it immediately. I feel bad asking for a fire when it is lovely weather outside, and I feel bad being needy (my Child ego state). After he’s sorted the fire out, lit it and carried in two large log loads, he’s understandably pretty warm. I feel bad, I have a fire and he’s too hot. So, his chores finished, he goes off to his Bunker and CLOSES THE DOOR! I feel rejected and bad. I’ve been too needy and now I am being punished.
My Adult ego state (thankfully) understands fully why he has closed the door, and I am able to reason with my Child and settle her feelings and tell her it’s because he is too hot and wants no heat going through to his room.
Of course, the reason my Child is around quite as much is because I feel fragile and unwell. I am not sure whether having insight into my emotions is always a useful thing, and wonder what I would have done if I’d not understood my gut reaction to his door being closed. I am very grateful for all the learning I did and all the therapy I had, it makes a fantastic difference to my life. However, there are also times when I wish I didn’t know what I know, didn’t understand what I understand and couldn’t see through people and their motivations so easily. I think sometimes I’d like a cigar to just be a bloody cigar. The hardest thing is when others say, of for goodness sake stop analysing, as if by some miracle I can turn that off. A bit like asking a photographer not to see photogenic images in all they see, or a writer to not see novels in much of what he/she experiences. A musician not hearing music in the sounds around him, and a chef not seeing ideas for amazing recipes when wandering through a food market. I can’t turn it off and believe me, there are times when I wish I could.
Thank you for your time.
Kathy then sane.