Over my years of therapy and training I lost some of my defences. This makes life much more complicated (at least that’s how it feels for me) so, I would like them back please!
We will be travelling back to the UK next month to see various relatives, including ageing mothers. During this visit I have arranged to visit my younger sister, primarily to see where she placed (without negotiating with me) Dad’s ashes. She now lives in Mum and Dad’s old bungalow which has been completely transformed into a house. I am slightly curious to see how it’s turned out, but more interested in seeing where the ashes are. I’ve written before how hard it feels to have to gain her permission to visit her garden in order to do whatever symbolic thing we do where ashes have been scattered.
I have been in some turmoil about this, trying to find a way that works for me, and yet keeps me “safe” (and that’s the difficult part as of course there is no danger). Back in 2000 there was a massive falling out in the family, the falling out happened in this house, in this space and I was estranged from my sister for 10 years. During that time I did not see her, talk to her, visit her house and be where she was. I am now about to enter into her space again (she has invited us for lunch) and I have really struggled with myself over how I will manage this.
To those of you who cannot abide the naval gazing, I don’t expect you to understand, but to those of us who have exposed ourselves to therapy, let down our defences and made ourselves available to feel how we feel, it’s nigh on impossible now to switch off these instincts. So, I feel how I feel and whilst it might seem over the top, I really do feel it…..my Child is very scared to be around that house and my sister (I was harangued and bullied by her and mum back in 2000 at a time when I felt incredibly vulnerable) and my Nurturing Parent is working hard to reassure my Child that she will be okay.
Conversely, I am pretty sure my sister is not going through this….she appears to have no idea how I feel, she doesn’t do “feelings” in the way I do, and will most likely talk throughout the time we are together with little room for a two way interaction. This is how she will deal with any anxiety she may be experiencing (unconsciously) . I also know from my last encounter with her, that we get on fine when we’re together, and wish I could hang on to that over the gap between contacts.
So to put it simply, my sister has invited us for lunch and I have said yes. If only it were that simple.
Mind the gate as you close it, it was creosoted today 😉
Sorry for the terrible mistakes in spelling which I have now corrected. I wrote this at midnight when I was very tired, yet wanted to get it out of my head.