Passivity and stress.
Running fantasy conversations around in your head, thinking I wish I had said this or that, can cause stress, and interrupted sleep. Saying what you want to say can cause a relationship to flounder, break down or move on to more real interactions. Being passive when faced with possible conflict can leave you feeling impotent, and the longer this continues can lead to a reactive depression.
Being true to you is risky. Saying how you feel, and saying what you want may mean you lose “friends” and some people may judge you; frequently without the full facts. You have 2 choices, you can either listen to the judgements and let these introjects run your life, or you can give yourself permission to know that it’s okay for you to have needs, for you not to discount your needs whilst trying to keep others happy. Others can find their own ways of being happy.
Do we know this already? Do we know that it isn’t our responsibility to protect others from our feelings? I suspect we do and yet I suspect we all at some point decide not to share, not to speak out and be passive. Of course, there are circumstances I am sure where saying/doing nothing challenging is important. However, when it becomes your main way of relating, you’re not being good to yourself.
Several times this year I have made my needs overt and have risked losing relationships/friendships. One relationship has gone adrift and one is where it was despite the anger at the time. I have lost sleep and am no longer. It’s important for me to know my needs are as important as anyone else’s.
Potager, you’re fired!
I have realised, after much struggling (possibly with the critical introjects mentioned above) that I don’t enjoy much about vegetable gardening. I am writing this with arms and legs stinging from stinging nettles I have been pulling up. For some people, being out there, pulling up weeds and talking to their vegetables is where they find peace and tranquillity. I don’t! I love harvesting the produce and watching it growing, and I hate weeding. The weeds this year, with the hot weather and then the tons of rain have overwhelmed me. I’ve been very good, pulling them up carefully by the roots so they don’t grow back….yes they do.
Back in the old days, when women knew their place, I am sure I would have been in the kitchen awaiting garden produce, produced by the man of the house, who’d bring it in proudly for me to transform into wonderful food. What happens here is, I grow it, weed it, harvest it and cook it. I also know that here in rural France, I see women and men out tending to the potager, and that their home grown food is a very important part of their diet. I also know that there are many, many people who’d give anything to have this piece of land to grow vegetables on, and that really does push my guilt buttons. However, I really do need to cut myself some slack and let myself say how I feel and say what I want.
So, my plan is to ask our lovely, younger French neighbours, who can already access it from their garden, if they’d like to use it for themselves. I’d ask to be able to help myself to the odd veggie or two, but otherwise it can be for their use. I hope they say yes, otherwise my guilt buttons will be struggling to remain unpushed (yes, I know, it’s not a word, and I will use words that are not words).
Thanks for dropping by, and as always, please close the gate as you leave.
Kathy the sane.