Gap months

It seems I have taken an unplanned gap.    I last wrote a new  blog post about 2 months ago, since then it has been reblogs of mine or others blogs.  I went away to the UK, and came back with a rather nasty illness that lasted for over 2 weeks, and resolved just in time for me to be going back to the UK for another week of busy relative/friend catch ups.   So, upon return to normal (as we know it) I lost interest in much on the WWW and found myself waiting to be inspired.

It took me a while to go back to Twitter, and Tweetdeck, where I promote Dad’s book along with my daughter, and my daughter’s business.  Anyhow, I was inspired yesterday to reflect on an old behaviour of mine, having witnessed it virtual friend yesterday who received little acknowledgement for her birthday.  So, J…this blog is for you

The young pre therapy me had learned not to bother people, not to be a burden and to take what came my way without asking.  I learned that my needs weren’t important and that others were more important than mine.  Most of this learning took place at my mother’s knee, being a narcissist, her needs were always more important.  In fact by the age of 4, I’d learn how to take care of her needs (a probably other’s too) very well, and would get lots of praise for my caring behaviours.

Over the years I grew up meeting other’s needs, choosing friends who wouldn’t see my needs and choosing  romantic relationships with men who’s needs were more important (in their eyes).  If I had needs I didn’t voice them and my expectation was to be missed, ignored and used.  Oh hold on, I had learnt a way to get my needs met, taught me by my mother, and that was to be rebellious and difficult.  So, alongside the caring me, there was the noisy, rebellious and disruptive me.  This was not helpful through my school years, I spent much time rebelling and not conforming, and not so much time learning.  Add to this my disrupted schooling from age 11, it’s hardly surprising I left school with little if no qualifications.

Sadly, with this as our modus operandi we get lots of positive strokes for being this way, and this feeds us and helps us to keep going.  We don’t notice that the strokes are conditional upon us being good, kind and nice.  And we don’t notice that the we receive negative strokes every time we get forgotten or our birthdays etc get forgotten.  Well, actually we do notice, but we expect them and think that is how life is.

So, moving on, in the last couple of years of my therapy training, I’d began to understand that everyone (YES EVERYONE) was entitled to get their needs met.   I began to understand that the reason I so carefully met other’s needs, and so religiously remembered others birthdays and important occasions was because I hoped that at some point someone would notice that I too had needs, important occasions etc.  Many who grow up with these unmet needs tend to go into the caring professions (so no surprise I went into nursing and psychotherapy).  We have an inmate ability to understand the needs of others, and a greater depth of empathy.  Sadly, we tend not to have empathy for ourselves (well not that we can admit or acknowledge).

Having discovered this, the hardest part was to come.  I had to make changes and start asking for my needs to be met.  I had to risk that people might not like me for having needs (and that is probably the biggest thing that keeps us stuck, the need to be liked).

As my 47th birthday approached (I was single and living alone), in fact weeks before, I started making sure to remind people that I was going to have a birthday.  I wrote in the diary at work (several times) to remind my colleagues, I made sure I let my large training group know (probably more than once) (and of course they were very stroking about me meeting my needs).   My birthday fell on a weekend, and over a period of 3 days I had loads of birthday cards arriving in the post.  I even got 2 birthday cards from my boss.  I felt so warm and lucky to have such lovely friends, and even though I’d had to remind them (this feels odd at first) it still felt good and I had a lovely birthday.  I am sure I did other stuff to celebrate with friends but cannot now remember.

So, seeing my friend feeling so sad yesterday when her birthday went unacknowledged by those closest to her made me sad, and reminded me of the change I made to prevent that from happening in the future.  I hope in some way that this blog post (if she reads it) will help her to make some changes for her birthday next year.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR YESTERDAY JW (or CP as she is also known) and thank you for inspiring me to blog again.

 

 

Sojourn in Silesia

The Amazon Kindle version of Sojourn in Silesia by Arthur Evans CBE will be free for the very last time between 11th and 13th May on Amazon. It won’t be given away free again, so don’t miss out!

Sojourn in Silesia has 5* reviews on Amazon and is also available in paperback. It was first published in 1995 and the 4th edition was published in July 2011 with some added extras at the front of the book.

The book will be free on all Amazon websites, UK, US, France, Germany, Italy and Spain. Here are the UK and US links below:

UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sojourn-Silesia-1940-1945-ebook/dp/B0058KTHL0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334590095&sr=8-1

US: http://www.amazon.com/Sojourn-Silesia-1940-1945-ebook/dp/B0058KTHL0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1334590545&sr=8-2

Dear God, re. Abortion & Miscarriage

Dear God, re. Abortion & Miscarriage.

Wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment here.
Await further advice, or should I say, I won’t hold my breath waiting for an answer.

How one simple change can increase your productivity and improve your health.

Reblogged from musings from outside the asylum:

Day 4

I’m still standing.

My energy levels have vastly improved, and I have been reading more about the benefits for standing desks and see that people are feeling more productive and have more clarity of thought. Since I am not working/earning money/ needing to measure productivity in that way, I can’t be a reliable witness to such claims.

I noticed just now as I was preparing veg for dinner that I didn’t have back ache whilst standing at the kitchen worktop!

Read more… 358 more words

I'm still standing and I am very happy with my set up. Really is worth doing, much better for your posture and all your muscles.

How one simple change can increase your productivity and improve your health.

Day 4

I’m still standing.

My energy levels have vastly improved, and I have been reading more about the benefits for standing desks and see that people are feeling more productive and have more clarity of thought. Since I am not working/earning money/ needing to measure productivity in that way, I can’t be a reliable witness to such claims.

I noticed just now as I was preparing veg for dinner that I didn’t have back ache whilst standing at the kitchen worktop! That is a big boost for me, since I have suffered on and off with low back pain over the years, and now I am not feeling that.

Last night I read some blogs, one suggested standing on an anti-fatigue mat. I knew I needed to stand on something like a doormat or piece of carpet, as I am currently standing on tiles. So I’ve now ordered one from Amazon, and look forward to seeing what impact that has on.

Here are some tips to help you get started.

• Have a good look at the desk you have already-can it be converted? Can you stand it on blocks?
• Can you convert it by placing a cheap coffee table on top.
• Make sure you keep moving as you stand at your desk.  You will move from foot to foot naturally, pay some attention to this whilst you are adjusting.
• Make sure you’re wearing good, comfortable footwear, and stand on a door mat or anti-fatigue mat.  If you’re already on carpet this is unlikely to be an issue.
• For the first few days you might ache (if your unfit and obese like me).  Each night I have taken an Ibuprofen to ease the aching limbs so I can fall asleep and relax more easily.  I don’t think I will need one tonight. So just to get over the initial hump.
• Every so often take a seat for 10 minutes or so until your body becomes more used to your new position.
• Take notice of the muscles you’re using to stand upright, take the opportunity to work them a little more.
• Take it slowly if you need to and build up gradually.

Finally, here are some links to some blogs about standing desks.

http://standingdesk.wordpress.com/

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/242142-Become-a-Stand-Up-Guy-The-History-Benefits-and-Use-of-Standing-Desks

http://crackberry.com/standing-desks

http://www.treehugger.com/interior-design/more-on-the-benefits-of-standing-desks-and-how-to-build-one-on-the-cheap.html

http://www.technicallymike.com/2012/02/standing-desk.html

http://www.treehugger.com/interior-design/sitting-down-makes-you-fat-more-reasons-to-get-a-standing-desk.html

So, if you haven’t already been persuaded and you want to improve your energy levels, productivity and think more clearly, I think this is your answer. Get off you chair and move.

 

Standing Desk a sequel

Day 2

I was pretty achy when I went to bed last night, and pleased with how the raised desk was working out. I am pretty achy today too, and have been here less than yesterday. No reggae either, as I was driving round the glorious French countryside on errands.

I know that several things are happening whilst I am standing here, and one of those things is I am actually burning calories. The reason I was achy (and am now) is because I using muscles to support my body. Back muscles, thigh muscles, calf muscles, etc. When I was sitting in a chair, the chair was doing all this work so my body could slow right down and burn very little energy. So, I have already speeded up my metabolism with little conscious effort.

I like this article I’ve linked to, as there are several health benefits mentioned within it.

I immediately noticed yesterday and today how much more active I am. Simply not having to make an effort of get out of the chair means I wander off and do something else whilst pages load etc. My feet are aching, this means I am changing position every 30 seconds or so to relieve them, so I am unconsciously (well I would be if I weren’t thinking about it and writing about it) exercising passively as I transfer my weight from one hip to the other. I am hoping that over the coming months I will be transferring less weight gradually.

Oh dear, looks like stand up desks are nothing new! It makes me wonder when and how we all came to start sitting to work at a desk.

So, there’s my update. I will try to keep quiet about for a few more days, and not bore you with it again too soon.

a bientot.

Sorry the links are not great, somehow the links editor is not working so I’ve had to manually edit them and leave them raw. But you catch my drift I know.

Standing Desk

Day 1.

In the past few days I have been hearing about and reading about Standing Desks.

My chair which is now two years old has lost it cushioning effect. I am obese and spend a long time on my laptop. Have been thinking for a while I need a new chair, along with thinking I need to get off my ar** and spend less time sitting in front of this screen. So, I know how that works. I start of with good intentions and we have been walking more, however it’s not enough, I am addicted to the internet and I getting uncomfortable on my chair.

So, after having a look at what was available (buy a new desk rather than chair) I see that Ikea do some good ones.
Then I realise that one that is mentioned is actually the desk I am using! I look and see that my desk can be easily converted. So, this morning, my husband has done the deed and I am now standing at my newly positioned desk writing this blog.

I hope you can see it in all it’s glory, I know that the photos tend to get cut off on here. I’ve turned my desk round so I can look out into the garden. The downside for Mark is I can see him if he slacks off in his gardening

I knew from my reading that this is a tiring position for a few days and I also know I need to keep my legs moving to prevent pooling of blood in my veins. So, to combat this standing still, I am listening to some Ska music and when I am not typing, having a little dance.

Oh and one more good thing (there are so many), I have turned my desk around and am looking straight out at the gates! So, even more security

So, I can see the gates are shut, so no need for a reminder.

I shall be slyph like by this evening, and very very tired.

a bientot.

Your silence speaks volumes.

I have always been perceptive to body language and facial expressions, but never more so since my training in Transactional Analysis. Sometimes I wish I could return to the days when I could turn away and ignore what I see and find ways to defend against it. Those days are long gone.

As part of working with a client, I need to see these silences and nuances and address them. When having a dialogue, noticing what the client is doing with their hands, their body or the thoughtful quiet looks is important. Also noticing the facial expression as the retort, response or statement is shut off, and suppressed rather than expressed.

Now that’s absolutely fine in a therapeutic relationship, where the client has contracted with my to work through some issues and is paying me to do my job. I can take the risks and gently confront the silences, the discomfort and weed out what is happening. Once that’s done we can talk about what is real and unpick the reasons the client chose to suppress rather than express.

Now, in my relationships and friendships, the contract is different. In my immediate relationship it’s not an issue since my partner is receptive to questions about what’s real and not, and in order for our relationship to thrive, we will confront the discomfort to move on. But what about friendships. What about when you “know” that a friend is not being real with you and is holding back, suppressing their feelings around a subject.

Our ongoing problems with he who shall not be named (HWSNBN) is about to come to a head. We have known for several years now that it is not “us” and we have the support of our neighbours and friends. For a while we wondered whether it was a cultural problem, and now we know it’s not. It feels good to know we’re okay. However, on just one front, it’s patently obvious someone is judging us and coming out on the side of HWSNBN. One question the other day and then a silence that spoke volumes has left me with rather a sour taste in my mouth.

If my friend were a client, and we had a mutual contract, I wouldn’t have hesitated at the time to address the issue. However, my friend is not a client and me challenging the interaction puts the friendship at risk, and actually I can see would enter me into a Game. I have entered into Games frequently with this friend, picking up the gauntlets laid at my feet and the irresistible urge to pick them up overcoming me. I made a decision a few weeks ago to leave the gauntlets on the ground. So my dilemma now is, by not stating my case and expressing my need to be judged okay, I am still in the Game (effing Game I wanted to say). So, am I sitting here on the fucking Drama Triangle like a Victim?
I can see from my language I am now feeling angrier than when I first started writing. How do I address this without entering into yet another bloody Game which doesn’t change the outcome. My friend has been fixed for some time in the belief that we should roll over and be bullied.

Kathy hanging on to sanity and all that is good.

Emotional Eating Habits

Whilst I don’t eat like this, I do live to eat and am an emotional eater. As I say in my yet to be published comment on this blog. I have a slim and trim friend who once said to me that I live to eat and she eats to live. At times I envy her lack of emotional attachment to food.

Emotional Eating Habits.

Games People Play (apologies to Eric Berne)

Several decades ago Eric Berne wrote a book called, Games People Play. Ii this book he describes how we all find ways unconsciously to reinforce our early Script decisions in life, by playing Games. Games with an Upper case G, rather than games, as in cards, and Scrabble etc.

Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships

I came across this concept in the late 1990′s whilst I was training in Transactional Analysis (TA). At that time I also learnt about Karpman’s Drama Triangle http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle.

In Games People Play we come across various Games with titles such as;
‘See What You Made Me Do’ ; ‘Ain’t It Awful’; and ‘I’m Only Trying To Help You’ and ‘Let’s you and him fight’. There are many more, and I think I have probably played them all many times in my life. It was quite a struggle to understand that I was playing Games, when I found myself slap bang in the middle of one, as I hadn’t “consciously” intended to be in one. In fact, I was horrified to find myself playing, and always wanted to blame the other person for making me play. It’s important to understand that it takes two to play. I think it was only as I moved on in my own therapy and over time that I managed more and more to spot the Game and either extract myself more quickly or even avoid getting in there in the first place.

I have learned also that now I have moved away from my training establishment, my therapy, my supervision and work environments, I am more Stroke hungry, so more vulnerable to Game playing. Currently, I believe I am in a good place, and can know this as I extracted myself from a Game earlier in the week and near the beginning too. It was the “Let’s You and Him Fight’ I think, or it could have been, ‘Now I’ve Got You Son of a Bitch’. NIGYSOB for short.

The Game started when my husband and I were bantering and playing on Facebook (Facebook is an interesting place for things going tits up). So, we were playing (even though we were only metres apart in different rooms) because playing in a relationship is good and we do play on Faceache and in reality. Along came someone from Persecutor on the Drama triangle to tell us not to play, and in fact later emailed us to slap us for playing! Of course the words being used weren’t as clear as that, but the unconscious intention was loud and clear. The email was even clearer. In fact I was told not to answer on my husbands behalf! I think this person would have been happy if we were fighting, but didn’t want to see us playing.

Since this person is hardly a friend of mine, I didn’t have a problem sending them away to Persecute elsewhere. Husband also more gently kicked them into touch. But this didn’t work. Several emails later this time from a mixture of Persecutor and Victim, husband received a copy of the email I’d sent as if in an attempt to really get us fighting. Said person obviously didn’t realise that along with playing, we share, and share everything, so husband had had a copy of the email as I’d sent it. I was and am astonished that someone can come in from nowhere and attempt to divide us and destabilise us and whilst I understand the Game theory, can’t work out how we’d arrived there. I am pretty positive we didn’t start a Game. I am sure if I were still in therapy or supervision, I would be able to unpick this with my therapist/supervisor. I know I manage to extract myself quickly as I didn’t get the payoff.

So along with the Connard stuff yesterday and this a couple of days before, it’s been an interesting (in the Chinese sense) week.

Keeping the gate closed doesn’t seem to be protecting against Incoming, I guess because the gate is not completely closed due to Facebook.

Tomorrow is Friday, and we’re going to have lunch out with my daughter and her boyfriend (after a visit to the gendarmerie) to celebrate the good stuff that has happened this week.

Bon weekend tout le monde.

As a special treat (;-) ) here’s a photo of our snowy garden, 6 days after it had snowed, no thaw in sight!